Scroll down to read articles... inspired by the BLOSSOM PETALS!!!! (More are coming!)
June, 2011: Grandma Jewel, Mundane & Magic
July, 2011: (BODY) "Sweet Vessel BodyMine"
August, 2011: (LOVE) Everyone's Happiness Matters
September, 2011: (Signif. OTHER) Blossoming with (or without!) a Partner's Support!
(Request FREE GIFT!)
October, 2011: (SUCCESS) What's Success Anyway?
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November, 2011: (SPIRIT) Motherhood & the Spiritual Path: a match made in heaven, or an oxymoron?
December, 2011: (ORGANIZATION) 6 Steps to Clear Your Clutter by featured writer, Alison Marks
(Click here for your FREE BOOK! The Little Book of Freedom from Clutter)
January, 2012: (MISSION) Recovering from Life-Purpose Amnesia : 6 Simple Principles
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Grandma Jewel, Mundane & Magic!
My daughter was named after my father’s mother, Grandma Jewel. Like most Jewish grandmas, she had her form of “mischigas” (idiosynchrasies). Sometimes her standards were a bit too high, and she had trouble appreciating the musical taste of us crazy young kids. But she had many many gifts. One in particular always struck me.
Grandma Jewel had a way of finding magic in the mundane. Whether she was sculpting a rose out of an orange peel, turning a few packets of Jell-O into a rainbow masterpiece, or transforming the inside of a toilet paper roll into an extension chord holder, she was making something extraordinary out of something ordinary. And she was having fun. I don’t highlight Grandma Jewel’s gift as a means of promoting domestic perfectionism. I’m not suggesting we start flitting about our kitchens like mini-Marthas, or whistling joyfully while scrubbing toilets in butterfly formations (although now that I think of it, that may be worth trying).
What I am talking about is being open and willing to find beauty and magic in the most unlikely places. I’m talking about having some more fun, being a little more like our kids, bringing a sense of play and adventure into our lives – even when we’re doing something that under most circumstances would be deemed unimportant, unimpressive and dreadfully boring.
At an even deeper level, I’m talking about learning to see ourselves – and all that we do as mothers – differently, and in a more positive light. I want us to look beneath the seemingly endless mundane surface of our lives and find the magic. Lord knows, in this productivity/success-oriented Western world of ours, so much of “mother’s work” is invisible. If we’re not making money doing it, if we’re not earning an award for it, if our resumes aren’t enhanced by it, then “IT” – whatever it is -- doesn’t count.
One thing is for it not to ‘count’ in the eyes of society. That’s painful & obvious enough, and tragic on so many levels I won’t even get into it here. But it’s a whole other thing when it doesn’t count in our own eyes, when we find ourselves looking at our own lives, and not seeing any of the fullness, or the beauty, or the richness, or the accomplishment, or the deep and utter importance.
So many of the moms I work with -- even those who full-heartedly chose to let go of their “careers” and embrace their roles as mothers from a deeply empowered place, even those who LOVE being moms and are in highly respectful and mutual relationships -- still struggle with feelings of invisibility and unworthiness. They still look at what they’re doing and have trouble seeing and FEELING the value. They’re seeing the orange peels of their lives as orange peels, not as glorious roses-in-bloom, or about-to-bloom.
So today, I invite you to acknowledge the masterpiece you’re making out of life’s Jell-O packets! Find a little magic in your mundane. Look at your laundry like a clump of fluffy clouds; find animal shapes in the socks and give out a chuckle. Or give yourself permission to PROTEST! If you’re going to find an aspect of your life boring, be bold about it. EMBRACE THE BOREDOM. Sing out at the top of your lungs, in an operatic voice if you dare, “I am booooorrrrrreeeeedddddd!!!!!!!!! THESE DISHES ARE DISGUUUUUSTING, and I reeeeeeeaaaaaaalllllllyyyyyyyy am not ENJOOOOOOOOOYING washing them!!!! No I’m not! No I’m not! No I’m noooooootttttttt!!!!!!!” (You get the idea.)
And even more importantly, look at your beautiful face in the mirror… with its occasional dark circles and latest lovable wrinkles, and LOVE THAT FACE UP!! Love YOU up… Love yourself for your dedication and devotion, for your patience and persistence, for your resilient heart that keeps opening and opening, no matter what daily cards you’re dealt with…
You, my dear friend, like my grandmother, and my daughter… are a JEWEL… And it doesn’t matter if you’re polished or in-the-rough. You are waiting to be remembered, discovered and celebrated by YOU. That’s right. You are the award committee you’ve been waiting for! So go to that mirror and say, “You are a JEWEL, _(name)_, just the way you are. I honor you for your beauty and brilliance, and for every little thing you do, even though most of the time, 5 minutes after you’ve done it, there’s absolutely no proof! I don’t even care if there’s evidence! What matters to me is that that you’re here. And that you’re fabulous just the way you are! I can’t think of anything more meaningful than the sum total of your life! I’m so glad you’re alive. And that I get to be you! And that your kids get to have you as their mom!” Then take a deep breath, shout a final, “Wahooooo!”, and give yourself a giant hug. (This or something better!)
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Grandma Jewel had a way of finding magic in the mundane. Whether she was sculpting a rose out of an orange peel, turning a few packets of Jell-O into a rainbow masterpiece, or transforming the inside of a toilet paper roll into an extension chord holder, she was making something extraordinary out of something ordinary. And she was having fun. I don’t highlight Grandma Jewel’s gift as a means of promoting domestic perfectionism. I’m not suggesting we start flitting about our kitchens like mini-Marthas, or whistling joyfully while scrubbing toilets in butterfly formations (although now that I think of it, that may be worth trying).
What I am talking about is being open and willing to find beauty and magic in the most unlikely places. I’m talking about having some more fun, being a little more like our kids, bringing a sense of play and adventure into our lives – even when we’re doing something that under most circumstances would be deemed unimportant, unimpressive and dreadfully boring.
At an even deeper level, I’m talking about learning to see ourselves – and all that we do as mothers – differently, and in a more positive light. I want us to look beneath the seemingly endless mundane surface of our lives and find the magic. Lord knows, in this productivity/success-oriented Western world of ours, so much of “mother’s work” is invisible. If we’re not making money doing it, if we’re not earning an award for it, if our resumes aren’t enhanced by it, then “IT” – whatever it is -- doesn’t count.
One thing is for it not to ‘count’ in the eyes of society. That’s painful & obvious enough, and tragic on so many levels I won’t even get into it here. But it’s a whole other thing when it doesn’t count in our own eyes, when we find ourselves looking at our own lives, and not seeing any of the fullness, or the beauty, or the richness, or the accomplishment, or the deep and utter importance.
So many of the moms I work with -- even those who full-heartedly chose to let go of their “careers” and embrace their roles as mothers from a deeply empowered place, even those who LOVE being moms and are in highly respectful and mutual relationships -- still struggle with feelings of invisibility and unworthiness. They still look at what they’re doing and have trouble seeing and FEELING the value. They’re seeing the orange peels of their lives as orange peels, not as glorious roses-in-bloom, or about-to-bloom.
So today, I invite you to acknowledge the masterpiece you’re making out of life’s Jell-O packets! Find a little magic in your mundane. Look at your laundry like a clump of fluffy clouds; find animal shapes in the socks and give out a chuckle. Or give yourself permission to PROTEST! If you’re going to find an aspect of your life boring, be bold about it. EMBRACE THE BOREDOM. Sing out at the top of your lungs, in an operatic voice if you dare, “I am booooorrrrrreeeeedddddd!!!!!!!!! THESE DISHES ARE DISGUUUUUSTING, and I reeeeeeeaaaaaaalllllllyyyyyyyy am not ENJOOOOOOOOOYING washing them!!!! No I’m not! No I’m not! No I’m noooooootttttttt!!!!!!!” (You get the idea.)
And even more importantly, look at your beautiful face in the mirror… with its occasional dark circles and latest lovable wrinkles, and LOVE THAT FACE UP!! Love YOU up… Love yourself for your dedication and devotion, for your patience and persistence, for your resilient heart that keeps opening and opening, no matter what daily cards you’re dealt with…
You, my dear friend, like my grandmother, and my daughter… are a JEWEL… And it doesn’t matter if you’re polished or in-the-rough. You are waiting to be remembered, discovered and celebrated by YOU. That’s right. You are the award committee you’ve been waiting for! So go to that mirror and say, “You are a JEWEL, _(name)_, just the way you are. I honor you for your beauty and brilliance, and for every little thing you do, even though most of the time, 5 minutes after you’ve done it, there’s absolutely no proof! I don’t even care if there’s evidence! What matters to me is that that you’re here. And that you’re fabulous just the way you are! I can’t think of anything more meaningful than the sum total of your life! I’m so glad you’re alive. And that I get to be you! And that your kids get to have you as their mom!” Then take a deep breath, shout a final, “Wahooooo!”, and give yourself a giant hug. (This or something better!)
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BODY
"Sweet Vessel BodyMine"
(Taken from the title of one of my favorite songs, by Lori B, from the album "Hurricane Child")
The body. Such a simple word… and yet, how many of us women growing up in this culture make it through adolescence with a simple and healthy relationship to our bodies? How many of us feel comfortable in our skin, happy with our shape, and full of radiant energy?
As I was contemplating the theme of this newsletter, I flashed back on a self-revelatory performance I did over 10 years ago, as a part of my training as a Drama Therapist. In the profoundly vulnerable piece, I explored the wound, the evolution and the ongoing healing path my body and I have “walked” together. At one point, I held a soft and large doll in my arms and gently rocked her to “BodyMine” by Lori B.
The song starts:
"I'm a veteran of this endless siege against myself. Don't know how this war got started. I just fought like hell. Sweet vessel BodyMine... Won't you be my home? We've been separated too long..."
It was a powerful moment, to welcome my own body back into my life with gentle eyes and loving arms, while being witnessed by an audience that was there to support, not judge.
That experience marked a turning point for me. At some deep level, I was able to put to rest an ancient and painful pattern of self-objectification. A seed of self-love was planted. Ever since that evening, I’ve been learning to accept & appreciate my body as the sacred and essential vessel for my life, as the source of so much creativity and joy, and as that which connects me to all that lives and breathes on this beautiful earth.
The next time I rocked a body in my arms with that kind of love, awe and humility was at the birth of my daughter Maya Jewel. As I looked into her eyes and massaged each of her little toes, I felt such a fierce and tender protectiveness towards that tiny body of hers. Like a Mamma Bear, I so wanted to shield her from having to go through the pain of ever feeling separate from her beautiful body, of being the object of our society’s distorted ideals, of feeling unhealthfully judged or measured in any way.
Of course, I knew that I could never totally protect her from the world and its influences. I could certainly make choices when she was little about how much TV she watched or who our family spent time with. But ultimately, I’d have to surrender – like all parents must – to the wonderful (sometimes frightening) reality that my daughter would have her own human life, full of joys and blessings, challenges and pain.
Of course, my main job was to love her through it all… and to love and cherish that miraculous body of hers, no matter how she felt about it as she made her way towards womanhood.
But that wasn’t my only job. My other job, perhaps an even more important – and difficult -- one, was to love and enjoy my own body. It was no longer just about me and my little self-acceptance project. It was about Maya. I needed to model for her what it was to be a fully embodied woman – alive, present and at ease in my own form. I am committed to this process of self-love and embodiment, and I invite you to join me.
May we look in the mirror and love what we see – wrinkles, cellulite and imperfections and all. May we embrace our inner and outer beauty for the sake of our children, and realize that when we look into our own eyes with love, we are admiring the diversity and perfection of Nature Herself.
Love,
Rosy
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LOVE
Everyone's Happiness Matters!
Sometimes I look at my daughter when she comes home from school, and it feels like she’s grown 2 inches since she walked out the door that same morning.
During moments like these, I can’t help but feel a double & paradoxical pang: 1) The pang of realization that my self-time for the day is over, and I have to move into playdate-hosting, snack-making, child-serving mode, and 2) the pang of realization that my baby is growing up at lightning speed, and my time with her is increasingly fleeting and precious.
Over the years I’ve learned one thing. And that is that when these two ‘pangs’ mate, they tend to produce guilt-ridden offspring.
I miss my family so much
... and yet I miss myself desperately.
I long for the freedom to explore, express and follow my own bliss,
... and yet I don’t want to miss out on a single moment of my child’s life.
I feel so much love in my life
... but I don’t always feel quite so respected.
I'm desperate for help
but I can't quite trust anyone else to do it right.
I cherish my family and friends, and love being part of a larger community
... but I’m drowning in a cascade of relational obligations.
I’ve chosen with all of my heart this wonderful, glorious blessing called "motherhood"
... but I seem to be turning into an out-of-control, screaming, grunting, irritable & resentful monster!
Sound familiar?
So many of the moms I work with find it extremely challenging to stay connected totheir own needs, feelings and dreams while holding such profound responsibility for the life of their child/ren... and family... and career... and...
It's like we forget to breathe. We run around, multi-tasking like Tasmanian Devils, living nose-deep in calendars and head-high in worries. We're everywhere but the present. Our happiness, if not irrelevant, isn't important enough to get "scheduled in."
And 'Mindfulness'... well, that's just some lovely, distant, unreachable concept that we read something about, back-in-the-day.
When was the last time someone asked you, "Hey, how are you doing? Are you happy? Is there something -- or someone -- you need?" When was the last time you took a moment and just paid attention... to what was going on inside of you? Or, towhat was going on all around you -- without re-acting, or rushing to fix, or save, or serve?
When was the last time someone put a hand on your heart, and another on your back, and gave you permission to give out a sigh... or to have a good (& well-deserved) cry?!
I invite you right now, to put a hand on your heart, and take a deep breath... and whisper gently to yourself, "Your happiness matters. YOU matter. And I love you." : )
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Significant OTHER
How to Blossom with (or without!) our Partner's Blessing!
When the TV show “Thirty Something” came out, I was living in Europe. So I missed it entirely. But recently, a friend of mine gave me the DVD set to the show’s first season, and I started to watch it. Wow.
Whether you’re a fan of the show or not, they really nailed some of the issues that can come up for a (white, middle class, heterosexual!) couple once kids enter the picture!
I certainly could relate to many of the themes addressed in this T.V. drama, and I recognize many of the themes in my clients’ lives as well. How often we partners feel like ships passing in the night, constantly taking shifts, bartering free time for responsibilities!
I remember some good friends of mine, the parents of twins, who used to fight over who got to clean the bathroom! For a while there, scrubbing the toilet was much more desirable than having to be with the kids.
And how many of us feel like as much as we love our partners, at some level, they just don’t get an essential aspect of our experience. Or, for whatever reason, they just can’t seem to see and appreciate all that we do -- for them, for our kids, for our family.
Or, they don’t fully appreciate all that we’ve sacrificed, let go of or put on hold, in order to show up so fully for the family. A lot of the time, we don’t even want things to be that different than how they are. We’re glad about our choices, and know that the love we feel for our kids and family far outweighs any sacrifices we may have made.
Sometimes all we need from our partner is a sincere “Thank you.” Or a “I’m sorry, honey. What can I do to support you now?”
But when each partner of a parenting couple is feeling drained, overworked and/or underappreciated, “thank you’s” and “How can I help’s?” can be hard to come by. And when there’s an emotional or energetic deficit in the family, we can have people crawling all over us, and still feel a deep loneliness. An invisibility. A painful sense of hopelessness.
Creating the space for true Personal Blossoming becomes even harder during these times of strife. When survival takes over in a relationship, mutual support, enthusiasm and co-creativity get thrown to the side of the curb.
And this is the thing…
When someone’s really on their “blossoming edge,” they need A LOT of support.
This is because blossoming takes courage. A huge amount of courage.
It requires a willingness to do something we haven’t done before (or in a long while), a willingness to take a risk, to believe in ourselves, to take our longlost dreams and longings seriously. When we’re on the verge of blossoming, we’re usually breaking through old, paralyzing fears.
And when we’re moms, one of our biggest fears is that somehow our own blossoming will diminish or hurt our relationships, relationships which we cherish so deeply.
So more than ever, we need to know that our partners are with us. It’s not enough for them to be not against us. We need them to have our backs, to believe in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves. We need to know that our relationships can be resilient & thrive in the face of change… in the face of our changing, of our becoming even more of who we are… even if it takes some time (often more time than feels comfortable!) for our paths of purpose to become clear.
We need to know that if we let go a little, that our partners will step up and hold some of the responsibilities that we’ve been carrying up until now, so that we can spread our wings and not worry about the nest tumbling & crashing to the ground when we do.
But to do that, to provide us with that kind of support, our partners need to feel supported too. They need to feel acknowledged and appreciated for their devotion and contribution. They need to be respected for who they are, for doing things their way, even if their way may be different from our own.
They also need the kind of surplus that thrives outside of survival fear/self-defense territory. And they need to feel prioritized. We’re not the only ones who have the fear that our blossoming might wipe out our relationships.
There is no easy answer here. Relationships, like parenting, like blossoming, are practices in their own right. And sometimes we have to choose our own blossoming, without our partner’s blessing… or without a partner at all!
That said, I invite you to begin a little relational exploration, to see how you and your partner are doing, and perhaps to see what areas of your relationship are most in need of care and attention.
Contact me and I'll send you a (free) RELATIONSHIP FLOWER to assess how you and your partner are doing. “How are WE doing?”
If you could use a resource, I invite you to contact me too. I’ve worked with many couples over the years, and also know of wonderful counselors who do the same.
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SUCCESS
What's "Success" Anyway?
My service/career path has been more like a zigzag than a straight line. I’ve bounced like a slow-motion pinball from traditional to nontraditional learning environments, carefully gathering what I’ve needed to provide a service that resonated with my deepest values and personal style.
Before conceiving my daughter Maya, I had come to a relatively comfortable resting place along this journey towards service-self discovery. I had established a therapeutic orientation (based on transpersonal psychotherapy and the arts) and way of working that felt good to me. I enjoyed working with clients and found ways to express my authentic creativity-loving self within a therapeutic context and identity.
But then I got pregnant, and everything changed. It was as if Maya (my daughter), while in my womb, formed a potent alliance with my inner child. Together they declared their rights to exist. “We’re going to need lots of space, Rosy! And more than anything else, we’re going to need you to be happy and creatively fulfilled!”
It was a strange thing, to suddenly experience my own joy and creativity as maternal imperatives. I was used to perceiving the mother-job as a sacred act of self-sacrifice. But somehow, for me, becoming a mother meant solidifying, protecting and expressing my-self and Self. I owed it to my daughter, who would need me to model self-love and self-expression for her. I owed it to my own inner child, who as modeled by my own mother, had been sacrificed time and time again for the needs of others.
Suddenly safety, space and simplicity were all that mattered. I found myself making significant changes in my life. I catalyzed a physical move for me and my husband Kim, insisting that our new home include ‘a room of my own’. Instead of accepting tempting career-oriented offers, I enrolled myself in meditation, birth preparation and prenatal yoga classes. I simplified my social life, letting go of friendships that felt less equal.
And finally, unlike other pregnant colleagues who took temporary leave from their budding therapy practices, I gave final notice at work and terminated with all of my clients.
I had no idea what would happen to me after having a baby, but I knew it would be big.
I wanted, needed, to make room for a total transformation. (Even if it included what I intuited -- and feared -- would be an earthshaking shift in professional identity.)
My hunch was right.
After having Maya, the last place I wanted to be was back in the therapist seat. (I didn’t even want to be a client! I ended a long-term therapy relationship just a few months after giving birth.) My needs for care-taking were more than fulfilled, and I liked the feeling of a fluid life, where my psyche and heart could safely open and merge, without having to continually hold, track and manage the psyches of others. Dealing with my own psyche was MORE than enough.
By the time Maya was a year old, I began to feel creative tickles -- the call to write, to dabble in my unconscious, and see what would emerge. It took time to heed this particular call. There were a plethora of practical, pressuring, professional voices to appease.
“But what about your career? Your private practice? Your entire life’s education? What about money? How will you ever make a contribution to your family, or the world, by diddling around with your amateur writing?”
Thankfully, with the help of my husband, I agreed to temporarily ignore the discouraging voices and pursue my creative dreams.
My therapist self floated off on some boat somewhere, while I took up an old writing project. The next thing I knew, I was no longer writing a grand myth for adults, but a series of books for children. (See A Tale of Serendipity:The Adventure Begins!)
Something big happened the moment I surrendered to writing for children -- something intricately connected to my service identity. Though I didn’t realize it until much later (several years and two more academic degrees later, in fact!), I believe it was at that point that my ‘identities’ as a spiritual counselor & creativity coach were conceived.
Let’s just say that my professional unfoldment – post-momhood – has been a long and windy journey! Fraught with worries, anxieties and seemingly crazy decisions.
* * *
Many moms come to me because they feel ready to blossom professionally.
Whether their youngest is about start kindergarten, their family seriously needs the extra income, they’re going stir crazy in their current work environment, or they’re just bursting with creative energy, these moms feel an inner rumbling and an outer opening for their re-emergence into the “working world” - and/or a reinvention of their working identity.
For the majority of these wonderful women, like it was for me, this can be an enormously exciting, fertile and sometimes scary time.
I hear all sorts of things. Here are just a few:
Can you recognize yourself in any of these statements?
If you can, you’re not alone.
So many moms feel that something new is wanting to happen. But they don’t know yet what that new direction is, or where to start.
Perhaps you find yourself in an uninspiring job that doesn’t really reflect who you’ve become or allow you to fully blossom.
Perhaps you’ve chosen practicality over passion, and now you feel like you’re squelching your creative dreams to a point of practical non-existence.
Maybe you’re lucky enough to actually know what you want to do, but you just don’t have the confidence to go for it. Maybe you just need help rediscovering your strength, your voice, your courage.
Perhaps, for you, it’s just about finally releasing yourself from habitual negative self-comparison &/or eternal-guilt traps.
Or maybe you’re like many of the moms I tend to work with. You’re a multi-talented and versatile type (the Mom job seems to require that!). And as wonderful as those qualities are, (they make for fabulous mompreneurs!), you feel like you’ve dabbled in so many things that you have no single profession or place to call home, or to claim an expertise.
The fact that we live in a society that (still!) barely recognizes motherhood as a form of work, where anything that doesn’t bring in income is not considered of value, only exacerbates matters. Perhaps that’s why one of the things that I enjoy most is teaching moms how to see and talk about what they ALREADY do in a way that feels empowering and valuable.
Whether you need more courage, confidence or clarity, you deserve some support!
Click here to ask for your FREE GIFT -- a self-exploratory worksheet designed to help you begin your professional blossoming process by locating your biggest challenges.
Once you know your main obstacles, you’ll be in a much better position to work with and through them. You’ll also have a better sense of kind of support you need. (i.e. a therapist, a coach, an improvisation class, a networking group, business training, etc.)
Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you think I might be able to help you in any way! I’ve got lots of resources, and it would be an honor and a pleasure.
Love,
Rosy
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SPIRIT
Motherhood & the Spiritual Path -- a match made in heaven, or an oxymoron?
Born with heightened sensitivity, a wild imagination and an inquisitive mind, I was always asking why. I believe I was aware of (or at least deeply curious about) the spiritual at a relatively early age. My concepts weren’t all that sophisticated, but I had a sense that there was much more to life than what appeared on the surface.
I remember at the age of 5 or 6 thinking life was strange and surreal, and wondering about its purpose. I often speculated that my vivid dream life was the real reality, and my real life was just a dream. On occasion, my dreams were prophetic.
Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I had an intense fascination with the occult. I gobbled up books about extrasensory perception, UFO’s and reincarnation. My favorite movies and TV shows were always mystical or magical in nature. (I can’t even count how many times I watched, “On A Clear Day, You Can See Forever.”)
Over the years, I’ve been particularly attracted to expansive, transformative and boundary-less “spiritual” paths. I’ve practiced Buddhist, Hindu and Sufi meditation. I’ve vision-quested, shamanic- journeyed, Five-Rhythmed, visionary-painted, lucid-dreamed, trance-danced, re-birthed, breath- worked, primal-screamed, ‘sound-healed’, Kirtan-chanted, ‘astrolo-gied’, Tai-Chi’d, Hatha- yoga’d, Breema’d, Human-Designed, and Gene Key-d.
Whether dancing, singing, writing, or painting, my boundaries dissolved as I entered a joyous, powerful trancelike state. Time stopped. My superego took a nap, and my senses came alive. I became immersed in the process, the colors, the dance, the delicious unknown; I was no longer moving, or ‘the mover’, but moved.
I suppose you could also say that while my natural capacity for boundary-dissolving came in handy (especially in relation to my creative and spiritual life), my “general lack of personal boundaries” left me feeling equally & unhealthfully vulnerable in my relational life.
As a highly sensitive type, with a BIG heart and some equally BIG wounds, I spent many of my childhood and early adult years lost in selfless caretaking. When in the presence of anyone with a stronger feeing, desire or need, I easily drifted away from center.
Thus the paradox:
Though this is my personal story, there are so many aspects of it that seem central or archetypal to the experience of being a Mother.
On the one hand, Motherhood requires that we loosen our boundaries. It doesn’t matter whether we’re biological mothers or not. When we take on the sacred role of “MOM,” we are basically signing up for a lifelong job of Surrender.
From the second we conceive or receive our children, we surrender to them… through constant attunement and unspoken empathy. We respond to their cries. We feel their emotions, their needs, and their physical longings as if they were our own. It’s visceral.
And we grow accustomed to their reaching for us, drinking from us, poking at us, crawling all over us. We just naturally absorb their impact, like fluid sponges. We go with their flow. We open our arms and hearts…
And we give, give, give…
And we hold, hold, hold…
And then, of course… (with increasing frequency as our kids grow up and show higher levels of independence), something SNAPS!
A sleeping part of us wakes up. The other side of the all-loving, all-giving Mom pops into the foreground. We realize that we’ve gone too far. (Usually after we’ve already “lost it!”)
And our “selves” – (or perhaps the neglected children living inside of us) -- start to cry out for our attention too.
But it’s not just our deprived inner child who wakes up during these moments (or outbursts).
It’s SPIRIT calling out for our attention… in disguise.
While Mothering is undoubtedly one of the more profoundly spiritual paths around, that doesn’t mean we moms don’t also feel called by a different sort of SPIRIT.
Many of us are called by an aspect of the SACRED that is more “vertical” than “horizontal” – more focused than fluid, more “self-actualizing” than “intimacy-building.”
Given my background, it makes sense that I’ve always been attracted to teachers like Ram Dass who said, “You have to become a Somebody before you can be a Nobody.”
To the extent that we surrender to our children, becoming a Mom can feel a lot like “becoming a Nobody.”
Of course all of us are different.
But to those of you who do relate to this Nobody experience… and have suffered because of it...
To those of you who can see the beauty and relate to the danger of surrendering to another so deeply that your self dissolves entirely…
…I want to acknowledge you!
…And I want to ENCOURAGE YOU!!!!
To start listening…
Especially when you find yourself ‘losing it’, or blowing your top, or growling with frustration, or drowning in resentment.
During these moments, I want you to ask yourself…
And, I want you to ask yourself…
These are the questions I invite you to sit with…
And in the mean time, I…
Thank you for choosing such a profound path, or for allowing yourself to be chosen by it.
And I thank you for being gentle with yourself.
Love,
Rosy
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ORGANIZATION
6 STEPS TO CLEAR YOUR CLUTTER
Special Article by guest writer, Alison Marks
Believe it or not, living in a decluttered space – one that runs smoothly and is full of things that make you feel good – is a possibility for you. Even with kids! Get out a notepad and pen! Here are six steps you can take to get control of the clutter in your life.
Let’s break this down:
FIRST, write down all those things you that have been bugging you, the ones that make you cringe when you read the word “declutter.” You know the ones! Your list may be short or long. It could include things like: magazines and newspapers, other paper clutter, old files, books, music, junk drawers, tchothkes and collections, things you haven’t used in the last year, clothing, jewelry, bathroom drawers and cabinets, unwanted gifts, desk, computer files, email in-box, your purse, briefcase, wallet, photos, old letters and mementos, closets, storage areas, your car, fridge/freezer and pantry, etc.
NEXT, walk through your home or work space and add to the list any other areas of clutter. This may include:
- any piles or places where disorganization accumulates
- unfinished projects
- too much stuff in too small a space
- things you’re holding onto that bring your energy down in any way. Be honest here… if you don’t use it or really love it, or if you feel obligated to hold onto it, it is not doing you any good at all. In fact, it's harming you by polluting your space so there’s not room for the things you really would love.
Organize: Now take five pages in your notebook and write one of the following on the top of each page:
1. under 10 minutes
2. 10 minutes – 1 hour
3. 1 – 3 hours
4. half to full day
5. large project
Decide how much time each item on your list will take and write each one on the appropriate page.
1. Plan: Block out time on your calendar to do it. Break down the larger projects into chunks that are do-able in a day or less. If possible, enlist some help. If you live alone, suggest to a friend that you trade time to do this.
2. Prepare: Before you go into a decluttering project, set yourself up with boxes or bags for different purposes (garbage, recycle, thrift store, give/return to people, and a transit box for things that go to other rooms when you’re done), as well as a notebook where you can jot down the things that require follow-up.
3. Do it! There is no right or wrong way, but there are some things to keep in mind that will make it easier for you.
This article was written by Alison Marks. Visit Alison’s website at www.FromClutterToOrder.Com.
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MISSION
Recovering from Life-Purpose Amnesia -- 6 Simple Principles
Can you relate to any of these statements?
If you can, you’re not alone. So many Moms About to Blossom I work with struggle with this deeper question,“What is my true mission in this life?”
Of course, one of the first things I feel compelled to remind them (at the risk of annoying them; because most of them already know it) is that they’re already living out one of the most meaningful, beautiful life missions there is…
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” they say, while rolling their eyes. “I know that, BUT…”
And of course, I know exactly what they mean.
As an artist, writer and activist-at-heart, with some big creative dreams of my own, I know how it feels to love and value the “art” of being a mom, and simultaneously, to know that there’s something else I’m also meant to contribute to this world.
I also know the pain of either not knowing what my ‘other purpose’ is, or not believing that I actually have what it takes to fulfill that purpose.
Several principles (of course paradoxical) have helped me in my own life, when it’s come to this question of purpose, or mission. And I'd like to share them with you.
One: My true mission is probably something extremely simple, and easily applicable to countless situations.
Two: My mission is not equal to my job description... (though it's important that I feel deeply connected to my mission, no matter what I’m doing on the surface).
Three: My mission must somehow involve my deepest wound and all I’ve learned from working with and through it.
Four: My mission must come naturally to me. It has to involve something I can’t even help but do… something I do in my sleep, when I’m sick, when I’m not in the mood.
Five: My mission must require that I take risks. It must stretch me in some way, make me willing to break through my fears.
Six: My mission isn’t really about me at all. It’s about getting 'out of my way' and being of service.
So now I invite you to play around with these six simple principles and see what you discover.
As I was contemplating the theme of this newsletter, I flashed back on a self-revelatory performance I did over 10 years ago, as a part of my training as a Drama Therapist. In the profoundly vulnerable piece, I explored the wound, the evolution and the ongoing healing path my body and I have “walked” together. At one point, I held a soft and large doll in my arms and gently rocked her to “BodyMine” by Lori B.
The song starts:
"I'm a veteran of this endless siege against myself. Don't know how this war got started. I just fought like hell. Sweet vessel BodyMine... Won't you be my home? We've been separated too long..."
It was a powerful moment, to welcome my own body back into my life with gentle eyes and loving arms, while being witnessed by an audience that was there to support, not judge.
That experience marked a turning point for me. At some deep level, I was able to put to rest an ancient and painful pattern of self-objectification. A seed of self-love was planted. Ever since that evening, I’ve been learning to accept & appreciate my body as the sacred and essential vessel for my life, as the source of so much creativity and joy, and as that which connects me to all that lives and breathes on this beautiful earth.
The next time I rocked a body in my arms with that kind of love, awe and humility was at the birth of my daughter Maya Jewel. As I looked into her eyes and massaged each of her little toes, I felt such a fierce and tender protectiveness towards that tiny body of hers. Like a Mamma Bear, I so wanted to shield her from having to go through the pain of ever feeling separate from her beautiful body, of being the object of our society’s distorted ideals, of feeling unhealthfully judged or measured in any way.
Of course, I knew that I could never totally protect her from the world and its influences. I could certainly make choices when she was little about how much TV she watched or who our family spent time with. But ultimately, I’d have to surrender – like all parents must – to the wonderful (sometimes frightening) reality that my daughter would have her own human life, full of joys and blessings, challenges and pain.
Of course, my main job was to love her through it all… and to love and cherish that miraculous body of hers, no matter how she felt about it as she made her way towards womanhood.
But that wasn’t my only job. My other job, perhaps an even more important – and difficult -- one, was to love and enjoy my own body. It was no longer just about me and my little self-acceptance project. It was about Maya. I needed to model for her what it was to be a fully embodied woman – alive, present and at ease in my own form. I am committed to this process of self-love and embodiment, and I invite you to join me.
May we look in the mirror and love what we see – wrinkles, cellulite and imperfections and all. May we embrace our inner and outer beauty for the sake of our children, and realize that when we look into our own eyes with love, we are admiring the diversity and perfection of Nature Herself.
Love,
Rosy
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LOVE
Everyone's Happiness Matters!
Sometimes I look at my daughter when she comes home from school, and it feels like she’s grown 2 inches since she walked out the door that same morning.
During moments like these, I can’t help but feel a double & paradoxical pang: 1) The pang of realization that my self-time for the day is over, and I have to move into playdate-hosting, snack-making, child-serving mode, and 2) the pang of realization that my baby is growing up at lightning speed, and my time with her is increasingly fleeting and precious.
Over the years I’ve learned one thing. And that is that when these two ‘pangs’ mate, they tend to produce guilt-ridden offspring.
I miss my family so much
... and yet I miss myself desperately.
I long for the freedom to explore, express and follow my own bliss,
... and yet I don’t want to miss out on a single moment of my child’s life.
I feel so much love in my life
... but I don’t always feel quite so respected.
I'm desperate for help
but I can't quite trust anyone else to do it right.
I cherish my family and friends, and love being part of a larger community
... but I’m drowning in a cascade of relational obligations.
I’ve chosen with all of my heart this wonderful, glorious blessing called "motherhood"
... but I seem to be turning into an out-of-control, screaming, grunting, irritable & resentful monster!
Sound familiar?
So many of the moms I work with find it extremely challenging to stay connected totheir own needs, feelings and dreams while holding such profound responsibility for the life of their child/ren... and family... and career... and...
It's like we forget to breathe. We run around, multi-tasking like Tasmanian Devils, living nose-deep in calendars and head-high in worries. We're everywhere but the present. Our happiness, if not irrelevant, isn't important enough to get "scheduled in."
And 'Mindfulness'... well, that's just some lovely, distant, unreachable concept that we read something about, back-in-the-day.
When was the last time someone asked you, "Hey, how are you doing? Are you happy? Is there something -- or someone -- you need?" When was the last time you took a moment and just paid attention... to what was going on inside of you? Or, towhat was going on all around you -- without re-acting, or rushing to fix, or save, or serve?
When was the last time someone put a hand on your heart, and another on your back, and gave you permission to give out a sigh... or to have a good (& well-deserved) cry?!
I invite you right now, to put a hand on your heart, and take a deep breath... and whisper gently to yourself, "Your happiness matters. YOU matter. And I love you." : )
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Significant OTHER
How to Blossom with (or without!) our Partner's Blessing!
When the TV show “Thirty Something” came out, I was living in Europe. So I missed it entirely. But recently, a friend of mine gave me the DVD set to the show’s first season, and I started to watch it. Wow.
Whether you’re a fan of the show or not, they really nailed some of the issues that can come up for a (white, middle class, heterosexual!) couple once kids enter the picture!
I certainly could relate to many of the themes addressed in this T.V. drama, and I recognize many of the themes in my clients’ lives as well. How often we partners feel like ships passing in the night, constantly taking shifts, bartering free time for responsibilities!
I remember some good friends of mine, the parents of twins, who used to fight over who got to clean the bathroom! For a while there, scrubbing the toilet was much more desirable than having to be with the kids.
And how many of us feel like as much as we love our partners, at some level, they just don’t get an essential aspect of our experience. Or, for whatever reason, they just can’t seem to see and appreciate all that we do -- for them, for our kids, for our family.
Or, they don’t fully appreciate all that we’ve sacrificed, let go of or put on hold, in order to show up so fully for the family. A lot of the time, we don’t even want things to be that different than how they are. We’re glad about our choices, and know that the love we feel for our kids and family far outweighs any sacrifices we may have made.
Sometimes all we need from our partner is a sincere “Thank you.” Or a “I’m sorry, honey. What can I do to support you now?”
But when each partner of a parenting couple is feeling drained, overworked and/or underappreciated, “thank you’s” and “How can I help’s?” can be hard to come by. And when there’s an emotional or energetic deficit in the family, we can have people crawling all over us, and still feel a deep loneliness. An invisibility. A painful sense of hopelessness.
Creating the space for true Personal Blossoming becomes even harder during these times of strife. When survival takes over in a relationship, mutual support, enthusiasm and co-creativity get thrown to the side of the curb.
And this is the thing…
When someone’s really on their “blossoming edge,” they need A LOT of support.
This is because blossoming takes courage. A huge amount of courage.
It requires a willingness to do something we haven’t done before (or in a long while), a willingness to take a risk, to believe in ourselves, to take our longlost dreams and longings seriously. When we’re on the verge of blossoming, we’re usually breaking through old, paralyzing fears.
And when we’re moms, one of our biggest fears is that somehow our own blossoming will diminish or hurt our relationships, relationships which we cherish so deeply.
So more than ever, we need to know that our partners are with us. It’s not enough for them to be not against us. We need them to have our backs, to believe in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves. We need to know that our relationships can be resilient & thrive in the face of change… in the face of our changing, of our becoming even more of who we are… even if it takes some time (often more time than feels comfortable!) for our paths of purpose to become clear.
We need to know that if we let go a little, that our partners will step up and hold some of the responsibilities that we’ve been carrying up until now, so that we can spread our wings and not worry about the nest tumbling & crashing to the ground when we do.
But to do that, to provide us with that kind of support, our partners need to feel supported too. They need to feel acknowledged and appreciated for their devotion and contribution. They need to be respected for who they are, for doing things their way, even if their way may be different from our own.
They also need the kind of surplus that thrives outside of survival fear/self-defense territory. And they need to feel prioritized. We’re not the only ones who have the fear that our blossoming might wipe out our relationships.
There is no easy answer here. Relationships, like parenting, like blossoming, are practices in their own right. And sometimes we have to choose our own blossoming, without our partner’s blessing… or without a partner at all!
That said, I invite you to begin a little relational exploration, to see how you and your partner are doing, and perhaps to see what areas of your relationship are most in need of care and attention.
Contact me and I'll send you a (free) RELATIONSHIP FLOWER to assess how you and your partner are doing. “How are WE doing?”
If you could use a resource, I invite you to contact me too. I’ve worked with many couples over the years, and also know of wonderful counselors who do the same.
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SUCCESS
What's "Success" Anyway?
My service/career path has been more like a zigzag than a straight line. I’ve bounced like a slow-motion pinball from traditional to nontraditional learning environments, carefully gathering what I’ve needed to provide a service that resonated with my deepest values and personal style.
Before conceiving my daughter Maya, I had come to a relatively comfortable resting place along this journey towards service-self discovery. I had established a therapeutic orientation (based on transpersonal psychotherapy and the arts) and way of working that felt good to me. I enjoyed working with clients and found ways to express my authentic creativity-loving self within a therapeutic context and identity.
But then I got pregnant, and everything changed. It was as if Maya (my daughter), while in my womb, formed a potent alliance with my inner child. Together they declared their rights to exist. “We’re going to need lots of space, Rosy! And more than anything else, we’re going to need you to be happy and creatively fulfilled!”
It was a strange thing, to suddenly experience my own joy and creativity as maternal imperatives. I was used to perceiving the mother-job as a sacred act of self-sacrifice. But somehow, for me, becoming a mother meant solidifying, protecting and expressing my-self and Self. I owed it to my daughter, who would need me to model self-love and self-expression for her. I owed it to my own inner child, who as modeled by my own mother, had been sacrificed time and time again for the needs of others.
Suddenly safety, space and simplicity were all that mattered. I found myself making significant changes in my life. I catalyzed a physical move for me and my husband Kim, insisting that our new home include ‘a room of my own’. Instead of accepting tempting career-oriented offers, I enrolled myself in meditation, birth preparation and prenatal yoga classes. I simplified my social life, letting go of friendships that felt less equal.
And finally, unlike other pregnant colleagues who took temporary leave from their budding therapy practices, I gave final notice at work and terminated with all of my clients.
I had no idea what would happen to me after having a baby, but I knew it would be big.
I wanted, needed, to make room for a total transformation. (Even if it included what I intuited -- and feared -- would be an earthshaking shift in professional identity.)
My hunch was right.
After having Maya, the last place I wanted to be was back in the therapist seat. (I didn’t even want to be a client! I ended a long-term therapy relationship just a few months after giving birth.) My needs for care-taking were more than fulfilled, and I liked the feeling of a fluid life, where my psyche and heart could safely open and merge, without having to continually hold, track and manage the psyches of others. Dealing with my own psyche was MORE than enough.
By the time Maya was a year old, I began to feel creative tickles -- the call to write, to dabble in my unconscious, and see what would emerge. It took time to heed this particular call. There were a plethora of practical, pressuring, professional voices to appease.
“But what about your career? Your private practice? Your entire life’s education? What about money? How will you ever make a contribution to your family, or the world, by diddling around with your amateur writing?”
Thankfully, with the help of my husband, I agreed to temporarily ignore the discouraging voices and pursue my creative dreams.
My therapist self floated off on some boat somewhere, while I took up an old writing project. The next thing I knew, I was no longer writing a grand myth for adults, but a series of books for children. (See A Tale of Serendipity:The Adventure Begins!)
Something big happened the moment I surrendered to writing for children -- something intricately connected to my service identity. Though I didn’t realize it until much later (several years and two more academic degrees later, in fact!), I believe it was at that point that my ‘identities’ as a spiritual counselor & creativity coach were conceived.
Let’s just say that my professional unfoldment – post-momhood – has been a long and windy journey! Fraught with worries, anxieties and seemingly crazy decisions.
* * *
Many moms come to me because they feel ready to blossom professionally.
Whether their youngest is about start kindergarten, their family seriously needs the extra income, they’re going stir crazy in their current work environment, or they’re just bursting with creative energy, these moms feel an inner rumbling and an outer opening for their re-emergence into the “working world” - and/or a reinvention of their working identity.
For the majority of these wonderful women, like it was for me, this can be an enormously exciting, fertile and sometimes scary time.
I hear all sorts of things. Here are just a few:
- “I kind of know what I want to do, but it’s crazy. Or impossible. Or I don’t have what it takes.”
- “When it comes to my professional identity, I’m like an old tool box that’s been left in a shed. I’m bursting with potential, but need some serious dusting off.”
- "I’m dying to have more intellectual stimulation, but I don’t remember how to speak ‘Adult’.”
- “Talking about ‘what I do’ to people often feels inaccurate, devaluing and/or humiliating.”
- “I feel invisible -- like I’m doing the work of a village, but for no pay and little credit. None of my skills seem to count in the real world. Or even to myself.”
- “I’m so changed by motherhood that I’m no longer the person, the professional, that I was before I had kids.”
- “I’d quit what I’m currently doing, if only I knew what was next.”
- “I feel ready to go back to work, but can’t imagine going back to what I did before…even though I was good at it, and there’s money in it.”
- “I wish I had time to just explore my passions, and my options, without all of this time pressure. But I can’t justify investing in myself if I can’t guarantee immediate – tangible, financial -- success.”
Can you recognize yourself in any of these statements?
If you can, you’re not alone.
So many moms feel that something new is wanting to happen. But they don’t know yet what that new direction is, or where to start.
Perhaps you find yourself in an uninspiring job that doesn’t really reflect who you’ve become or allow you to fully blossom.
Perhaps you’ve chosen practicality over passion, and now you feel like you’re squelching your creative dreams to a point of practical non-existence.
Maybe you’re lucky enough to actually know what you want to do, but you just don’t have the confidence to go for it. Maybe you just need help rediscovering your strength, your voice, your courage.
Perhaps, for you, it’s just about finally releasing yourself from habitual negative self-comparison &/or eternal-guilt traps.
Or maybe you’re like many of the moms I tend to work with. You’re a multi-talented and versatile type (the Mom job seems to require that!). And as wonderful as those qualities are, (they make for fabulous mompreneurs!), you feel like you’ve dabbled in so many things that you have no single profession or place to call home, or to claim an expertise.
The fact that we live in a society that (still!) barely recognizes motherhood as a form of work, where anything that doesn’t bring in income is not considered of value, only exacerbates matters. Perhaps that’s why one of the things that I enjoy most is teaching moms how to see and talk about what they ALREADY do in a way that feels empowering and valuable.
Whether you need more courage, confidence or clarity, you deserve some support!
Click here to ask for your FREE GIFT -- a self-exploratory worksheet designed to help you begin your professional blossoming process by locating your biggest challenges.
Once you know your main obstacles, you’ll be in a much better position to work with and through them. You’ll also have a better sense of kind of support you need. (i.e. a therapist, a coach, an improvisation class, a networking group, business training, etc.)
Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you think I might be able to help you in any way! I’ve got lots of resources, and it would be an honor and a pleasure.
Love,
Rosy
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SPIRIT
Motherhood & the Spiritual Path -- a match made in heaven, or an oxymoron?
Born with heightened sensitivity, a wild imagination and an inquisitive mind, I was always asking why. I believe I was aware of (or at least deeply curious about) the spiritual at a relatively early age. My concepts weren’t all that sophisticated, but I had a sense that there was much more to life than what appeared on the surface.
I remember at the age of 5 or 6 thinking life was strange and surreal, and wondering about its purpose. I often speculated that my vivid dream life was the real reality, and my real life was just a dream. On occasion, my dreams were prophetic.
Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I had an intense fascination with the occult. I gobbled up books about extrasensory perception, UFO’s and reincarnation. My favorite movies and TV shows were always mystical or magical in nature. (I can’t even count how many times I watched, “On A Clear Day, You Can See Forever.”)
Over the years, I’ve been particularly attracted to expansive, transformative and boundary-less “spiritual” paths. I’ve practiced Buddhist, Hindu and Sufi meditation. I’ve vision-quested, shamanic- journeyed, Five-Rhythmed, visionary-painted, lucid-dreamed, trance-danced, re-birthed, breath- worked, primal-screamed, ‘sound-healed’, Kirtan-chanted, ‘astrolo-gied’, Tai-Chi’d, Hatha- yoga’d, Breema’d, Human-Designed, and Gene Key-d.
Whether dancing, singing, writing, or painting, my boundaries dissolved as I entered a joyous, powerful trancelike state. Time stopped. My superego took a nap, and my senses came alive. I became immersed in the process, the colors, the dance, the delicious unknown; I was no longer moving, or ‘the mover’, but moved.
I suppose you could also say that while my natural capacity for boundary-dissolving came in handy (especially in relation to my creative and spiritual life), my “general lack of personal boundaries” left me feeling equally & unhealthfully vulnerable in my relational life.
As a highly sensitive type, with a BIG heart and some equally BIG wounds, I spent many of my childhood and early adult years lost in selfless caretaking. When in the presence of anyone with a stronger feeing, desire or need, I easily drifted away from center.
Thus the paradox:
- In order to healthfully experience my SPIRIT/Self, I needed to release boundaries.
- In order to healthfully connect with others, I had to repair the “holes” in my boundary system, and learn how to close doors, without building walls.
Though this is my personal story, there are so many aspects of it that seem central or archetypal to the experience of being a Mother.
On the one hand, Motherhood requires that we loosen our boundaries. It doesn’t matter whether we’re biological mothers or not. When we take on the sacred role of “MOM,” we are basically signing up for a lifelong job of Surrender.
From the second we conceive or receive our children, we surrender to them… through constant attunement and unspoken empathy. We respond to their cries. We feel their emotions, their needs, and their physical longings as if they were our own. It’s visceral.
And we grow accustomed to their reaching for us, drinking from us, poking at us, crawling all over us. We just naturally absorb their impact, like fluid sponges. We go with their flow. We open our arms and hearts…
And we give, give, give…
And we hold, hold, hold…
And then, of course… (with increasing frequency as our kids grow up and show higher levels of independence), something SNAPS!
A sleeping part of us wakes up. The other side of the all-loving, all-giving Mom pops into the foreground. We realize that we’ve gone too far. (Usually after we’ve already “lost it!”)
And our “selves” – (or perhaps the neglected children living inside of us) -- start to cry out for our attention too.
- "Hey, what about me?! I'm hungry too. I'm sleepy too. I've got my own needs and wants and likes and dislikes.”
- And so we find ourselves thinking – consciously or unconsciously, “Maybe I don't feel like wiping that snot off your nose, or making one more snack, or having a bunch of tiny-pawed monsters crawling all over my body, tugging, drooling, demanding my constant, unconditional, ever-present attention and service! What do you say about that?!”
But it’s not just our deprived inner child who wakes up during these moments (or outbursts).
It’s SPIRIT calling out for our attention… in disguise.
While Mothering is undoubtedly one of the more profoundly spiritual paths around, that doesn’t mean we moms don’t also feel called by a different sort of SPIRIT.
Many of us are called by an aspect of the SACRED that is more “vertical” than “horizontal” – more focused than fluid, more “self-actualizing” than “intimacy-building.”
- As much as we love our children and are deeply fed by the practice of devotion, many of us also find ourselves thinking things like, “If only I could be meditating on some mountain top, or dancing my heart out, or painting like the wind. Maybe I need to spend some time alone, go away on retreat, or take a yoga class.”
- “Or maybe I just feel like sitting on a big ol’ sofa, hanging out with a friend, and chatting the night away with a giant jug of hot chocolate!”
- “Or maybe I don’t want to do any of that obviously spiritual stuff! Maybe I just want to sit here and do NOTHING for a long looooooooooong time without being interrupted. Not even once!”
- “Or maybe I JUST WANT TIME AND SPACE.”
- “Or maybe… just for a second, (or a week! Or a year!), I want to be the CENTER OF MY UNIVERSE!"
Given my background, it makes sense that I’ve always been attracted to teachers like Ram Dass who said, “You have to become a Somebody before you can be a Nobody.”
To the extent that we surrender to our children, becoming a Mom can feel a lot like “becoming a Nobody.”
Of course all of us are different.
- Some of us knew we were a Somebody before we entered the Nobody Land of Motherhood. For us, it’s at times about experiencing the spiritual gifts of letting go, and at times about remembering and reclaiming a “Somebody-ness” that we once had.
- Others of us never knew we were Somebody; we just hopped right from one form of Nobody into another form of Nobody. So we’ve got to find our “Somebody” nature… for the first time, as women... while we're mothering.
- Others (the rare ones!) are probably reading what I’m writing and wondering what the hell I’m talking about, because they’ve always felt like a Somebody! Somehow Motherhood never shook the foundation of their Somebody-ness.
But to those of you who do relate to this Nobody experience… and have suffered because of it...
To those of you who can see the beauty and relate to the danger of surrendering to another so deeply that your self dissolves entirely…
…I want to acknowledge you!
- First, for courageously surrendering with such gusto. In this Western culture (need I say more?), that’s no small thing.
- Second, for hearing the voice of your inner child… who is here to remind you that you are indeed a SOMEBODY.
- And third, for heeding the call of your SPIRIT!
…And I want to ENCOURAGE YOU!!!!
To start listening…
Especially when you find yourself ‘losing it’, or blowing your top, or growling with frustration, or drowning in resentment.
During these moments, I want you to ask yourself…
- “How might this be my inner child crying for help?”
- “How can I show the little girl inside of me that I love her, that I’m here for her too?”
- “Is there something or someone I need to say ‘no’ to?
- “Is there a relational risk I need to take, in order to reassure that little girl inside of me that I won’t abandon her?”
And, I want you to ask yourself…
- “Is SPIRIT knocking on my door?”
- “What is SPIRIT asking for?
- “What does SPIRIT need me to let go of?”
- “What small thing can I do right now, or very soon, to re-connect with that which can HOLD ME, while I’m holding everything else?”
These are the questions I invite you to sit with…
And in the mean time, I…
Thank you for choosing such a profound path, or for allowing yourself to be chosen by it.
And I thank you for being gentle with yourself.
Love,
Rosy
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ORGANIZATION
6 STEPS TO CLEAR YOUR CLUTTER
Special Article by guest writer, Alison Marks
Believe it or not, living in a decluttered space – one that runs smoothly and is full of things that make you feel good – is a possibility for you. Even with kids! Get out a notepad and pen! Here are six steps you can take to get control of the clutter in your life.
- Inquire and Inspire: Write out the answer to this question: How would my life and my family's life be different if there was no clutter in it? Be specific in your answer. How would you feel in your home? How would you spend your time differently? How would your family relationships be different? Look at all the different areas of your life – your social life, your financial life, etc. When you get clear about what’s possible, you can do the work that needs to be done from a perspective of inspiration rather than guilt.
- Scan: What clutter, exactly, do you need to clear?
Let’s break this down:
FIRST, write down all those things you that have been bugging you, the ones that make you cringe when you read the word “declutter.” You know the ones! Your list may be short or long. It could include things like: magazines and newspapers, other paper clutter, old files, books, music, junk drawers, tchothkes and collections, things you haven’t used in the last year, clothing, jewelry, bathroom drawers and cabinets, unwanted gifts, desk, computer files, email in-box, your purse, briefcase, wallet, photos, old letters and mementos, closets, storage areas, your car, fridge/freezer and pantry, etc.
NEXT, walk through your home or work space and add to the list any other areas of clutter. This may include:
- any piles or places where disorganization accumulates
- unfinished projects
- too much stuff in too small a space
- things you’re holding onto that bring your energy down in any way. Be honest here… if you don’t use it or really love it, or if you feel obligated to hold onto it, it is not doing you any good at all. In fact, it's harming you by polluting your space so there’s not room for the things you really would love.
Organize: Now take five pages in your notebook and write one of the following on the top of each page:
1. under 10 minutes
2. 10 minutes – 1 hour
3. 1 – 3 hours
4. half to full day
5. large project
Decide how much time each item on your list will take and write each one on the appropriate page.
1. Plan: Block out time on your calendar to do it. Break down the larger projects into chunks that are do-able in a day or less. If possible, enlist some help. If you live alone, suggest to a friend that you trade time to do this.
2. Prepare: Before you go into a decluttering project, set yourself up with boxes or bags for different purposes (garbage, recycle, thrift store, give/return to people, and a transit box for things that go to other rooms when you’re done), as well as a notebook where you can jot down the things that require follow-up.
3. Do it! There is no right or wrong way, but there are some things to keep in mind that will make it easier for you.
This article was written by Alison Marks. Visit Alison’s website at www.FromClutterToOrder.Com.
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MISSION
Recovering from Life-Purpose Amnesia -- 6 Simple Principles
Can you relate to any of these statements?
- You suffer from Life Purpose Amnesia. You’re sure you have a greater mission in life, but it seems to have gotten lost in the laundry.
- You miss yourself. Just having a moment to sit down, remember & take seriously your dreams… feels like an impossible dream!
- “Going back to work” doesn’t really interest you anymore.You want to go forward to something, but you don’t know what.
- You know you’re meant to do something big with all of that grace, grit and wisdom you’ve accumulated throughout your Mother years, but you need serious help in re-envisioning your mission.
- You’ve grown and learned so much from being a mom. You feel totally restructured on the inside. But you look around and can’t see a trace of your transformed self reflected on the outside. You want your inner and outer life to be more accurately matched.
If you can, you’re not alone. So many Moms About to Blossom I work with struggle with this deeper question,“What is my true mission in this life?”
Of course, one of the first things I feel compelled to remind them (at the risk of annoying them; because most of them already know it) is that they’re already living out one of the most meaningful, beautiful life missions there is…
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” they say, while rolling their eyes. “I know that, BUT…”
And of course, I know exactly what they mean.
As an artist, writer and activist-at-heart, with some big creative dreams of my own, I know how it feels to love and value the “art” of being a mom, and simultaneously, to know that there’s something else I’m also meant to contribute to this world.
I also know the pain of either not knowing what my ‘other purpose’ is, or not believing that I actually have what it takes to fulfill that purpose.
Several principles (of course paradoxical) have helped me in my own life, when it’s come to this question of purpose, or mission. And I'd like to share them with you.
One: My true mission is probably something extremely simple, and easily applicable to countless situations.
- (i.e. Maybe your mission is simply to hold nothing back, to live as whole-heartedly and authentically as you can each moment. Or maybe your mission is to love and be loved. Or maybe it's to embrace and share your gifts with the world in a way that empowers people to do the same.)
Two: My mission is not equal to my job description... (though it's important that I feel deeply connected to my mission, no matter what I’m doing on the surface).
Three: My mission must somehow involve my deepest wound and all I’ve learned from working with and through it.
Four: My mission must come naturally to me. It has to involve something I can’t even help but do… something I do in my sleep, when I’m sick, when I’m not in the mood.
Five: My mission must require that I take risks. It must stretch me in some way, make me willing to break through my fears.
Six: My mission isn’t really about me at all. It’s about getting 'out of my way' and being of service.
So now I invite you to play around with these six simple principles and see what you discover.